I met Natalie on Substack a few days ago. She writes On the Verge. We decided to write some letters to each other about various topics and publish them. This is part 1 in a letter correspondence series between her and me. We’ll be writing to each other weekly, rotating topics as we go. You can find my letters here in my corner; Natalie will be writing her response on her Substack.
Natalie,
I don’t know much about you, but you resonated with my writing and I read Me, myself, and my average life and really enjoyed it. That probably means we’d get along well. One of the reasons I started writing online is because I knew I would meet cool people. Sometimes I think my readers know me better than my IRL friends who don’t read my blog. Writing is vulnerable and you can’t really hide who you are. Thanks for the plant advice earlier. I’ve been procrastinating doing anything about it because I’m afraid I’ll kill my plant in the process. But the longer I wait, the more it will wilt. Will keep you updated.
Anyways, dating is an interesting topic for us to discuss because we’re coming at it from juxtaposing viewpoints (as a guy and girl).
In general the dating world right now for our generation feels pretty broken. It feels like it’s harder to get into a serious relationship now than in the past. It feels like dating apps hurt, not help. I know a few successful relationships from dating apps but not many. I think a higher percentage of our generation would be in a relationship without dating apps. I’ve given multiple dating apps an honest effort.
Forcing romance from the start of a relationship doesn’t feel great. I realized this when S told me that his friend was moving into the city and he thought we would get along really well romantically. He told her the same thing and was hyping us up to each other for months. We met at a party and there was something very off about the conversation. It was the expectations we both had. We were both trying to force a connection instead of getting there organically. It wasn’t awkward. Just felt weird. Dating apps create the same expectations. My most genuine crushes and best relationships were born of authenticity: Meeting a classmate or getting introduced to a mutual friend. When using dating apps, it feels like I'm forcing someone to align with my preconceived idea of who I want to date. I feel much more sensitive to my preferences on dating apps. Ideally, dating wouldn't be at the forefront of your mind when meeting a potential partner, allowing the butterflies to catch you off guard.
Science shows that dating preferences don’t correlate with dating success. What you think you want isn’t actually what you want. There are too many intangible factors that contribute to romantic attraction. Dating apps encourage you to look for your preferences. You swipe past the people with the intangible factors you would fall in love with.
Dating apps solidify fixed ideas of ideal partners, promoting excessive pickiness and obstructing the discovery of subtle qualities that nurture authentic, meaningful connections.
I do know some good couples who met on dating apps, but usually people have bad things to say about them.
Also, dating apps create the illusion of infinite optionality. It’s very easy to focus on someone’s flaws when someone ‘better’ is seemingly a few swipes away.
I think we haven’t found the best form of dating app yet. Is there a ‘best form’ or are all of them dystopian?
In my experience, mutual friends are the most strategic place to find a partner. If my close friend gets along with someone there’s a good chance I will too. Also, there’s a level of trust you get when introduced to a mutual friend. Both parties are sure the other isn’t an absolute sicko
I read in one of your posts that you have a boyfriend. I’m curious how you two met and to hear your perspective on the dating world for our generation.
I really like this concept. I also agree with the dating issue. Though I've been married now for 15 years, I have friends who complain of much the same. I knew my wife for 2 years, as friends, before we started dating. In fact, when I first met her, I was not romantically attracted. She was cute but too imature at the time (She was a freshman in college, I was a fourth year). It wasn't until the next summer that I say I fell in love, but she a boyfriend for the next year.
We ended up doing a long distance relationship our entire dating year (I was in Korea) and so we had to do a lot of writing and webcam talking. It was built on communication, not just cuddling with a movie because we couldn't. That deep foundation of open communication helped build the romance into something more than physical infatuation. I fell in love with her brain and soul.
My only critique is that this sounds like one of your essays, not a letter to someone. It feels like it's written for me, not to her.