I want to listen to people. Like really listen to people. I think I listen to people better than most people listen to people. I'm good at it, but not great at it. I want to be great at it.
I had this thought when I was having a conversation with S. I noticed a thought arise during what he was saying. I was trying to remember my thought to say it after he finished his thought. S ended up talking for a few sentences more and when he finished I recited the exact same thought that I had prior to his last two sentences. I didn't consider his last two sentences when I responded. I didn't fully understand what he was saying because I was trying to remember my own thoughts from earlier in his monologue, which took up some of my mental RAM. This automatic urge to try to craft a response before the other person finishes isn't conducive to fully listening.
To fully listen you need all your mental RAM. Listening goes further than just words. When you're fully listening, you're in tune with someone's body language and the tone behind what they're saying. You can sense how they’re feeling and how those feelings are changing from sentence to sentence. I don't want to just listen to someone, I want to understand them. You need to commit all your RAM to understand someone. Unfortunately, we don't have enough RAM to fully listen to someone and craft a response while they're speaking.
A lot of very successful business people I meet and great friends of mine have an enigmatic charm that draws me to them and makes me want to talk to them. I think a large part of this is because I feel understood when I talk to them. I feel understood by them because they fully/actively listen to me. This isn’t all you need to be a magnetic person, but it’s definitely a large part.
If you aren’t a natural full/active listener (it’s a blessing if you are), it’s pretty hard to become one and will probably take deliberate effort for a decent period of time before it becomes second nature. The goal is for it to become second nature. It’s not hard to flip a switch and become an active listener. It is hard to remember to do it in all your interactions, and that’s how it’s going to become second nature.
I’ve been experimenting with fully actively listening to people in my everyday life and it feels less safe. It feels like I’m running the risk of just not having anything to say to the other party after they finish their thought. I also noticed just how much I begin crafting my response to people before they’re finished talking.
There’s a level of insecurity that has to do with crafting your response before someone is done speaking. The deeper, subconscious logic probably looks something like, I'm afraid I won't have anything insightful to say after they finish their thought, so I'll hold on to this thought that’s already here because I want people to perceive my as thoughtful and insightful.
The ego wants to talk, the soul wants to listen.
You can learn something from all 8 billion people here. Every conversation is worth your full attention.
The quality of your conversations is a major contributor to the quality of your life. And how often do you really stop and think about the quality of the conversations you’re having? Honestly, this is my first time ever explicitly doing that. You would think you have a 50% impact on the quality of a 1 on 1 conversation but it’s much higher. It’s definitely easier to have a quality conversation if the other party is also trying, but if you really want you can carry a conversation and make it good singlehandedly.
What makes a 'quality’ conversation? It doesn’t feel like it has much to do with what you’re talking about, more-so how both parties are approaching the subject. Are they down to be talking about said subject? How down are they? Where do they lie on the spectrum from not down at all to super down. When both parties are far on the ‘super down’ side of the spectrum, the conversation is very enjoyable. For me, the most enjoyable people to be around are super down to talk about (almost) anything.
I think it's not binary. There has to be the understanding of personality as well as cognitive function. I have to talk slowly to my grandmother and let her process the information to respond. On the other hand, I've got 10 things in queue when she's talking and I can weave it together. That's an extreme example.
But if you watch me with someone who is similarly capable of commnication, we are riffing off of each other in a dynamic dance....not a static back and forth.
So yes, I do work to get better at listening, but no, my ability to weave together thoughts and ideas while someone speaks isn't a problem, my impatience is where I get in trouble.
Really insightful. Thanks