width and the world
Imagine all your relationships on a bar graph. One bar = one person. The x-axis contains all the people you’ve ever met. The y-axis is the depth of the relationship. Each bar represents your relationship with one person. The taller the bar, the deeper your relationship with that person. Bar height usually scales with energy (time + effort) invested into a person. For example, A short bar means you’ve barely put any energy into the relationship- you don’t know the person well.
What do you want your social bar graph to look like? Here’s the graph that I think is most rewarding and fulfilling:
Here’s what most people’s graph looks like:
*these graphs represent a representative sample of a real person’s graph, an ‘actual’ graph would have a lot more bars.
*the width of each individual bar doesn’t represent anything, they’re supposed to be the same (I whipped these up pretty quickly)
The ideal graph contains a high number of short bars and a low number of very tall, towering bars. You want to avoid medium bars. Medium bars represent wasted energy because if you don't like someone enough to pursue a deep, enduring relationship with them they’re not worth pursuing at all.
Pursuing your short and medium bars with no intention of making them tall takes away energy from making the tall bars taller. Making your tall bars as tall as possible is like exploring the depths of the ocean or space. It’s exciting; you’re in uncharted territory, pushing the boundaries of human connection. Energy invested into relationships compounds. One tall bar contributes more to my well-being than 50 medium bars ever could. The taller they are, the more quality they add (assuming you choose the right bars to make tall).
Having a lot of short bars is also important. By constantly adding short bars you’re you’re on the lookout for new potential tall bars and making sure you’re currently investing in the right tall bars.
This framework means less casual and more serious romantic relationships. Casual relationships are medium bars. One date produces a short bar and is usually enough for me to determine if I can see myself in a long term romance with someone.
You have a finite amount of ‘bar’ (energy) you can add to the graph. Investing it in existing tall bars or creating new short bars is a better use of your energy than bringing bars from short to medium (that you have no intention of making tall). Or worse, investing in medium bars you have no intention of making tall.
Who are your tall bars? What bars do you want to make taller? Choose wisely and deliberately. Who are your unintentional medium bars? It might be time to trim the hedges.
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This applies more than just socially:
Recreation
Imagine each bar as a hobby or interest. It’s fulfilling to have a sense of mastery over something. The taller a recreational bar is, the closer you are to mastery. You can't master everything, and you want to master something you like to do. Try lots of hobbies (short bars!!) but only commit to a few (tall bars!!).
Career
Imagine each bar as a career path or marketable skill. Most people apply a flavor of this framework by default because of the way our culture is designed. They have the tall bars, but lack short bars. I think more career exploring would be beneficial for many people. Many people's career bar graph is very deep but not wide. The struggle here is that sometimes you don't realize you’re not fulfilled in a certain career path until the bar is pretty tall.
You make money by doing valuable things that other people can't do easily. In other words: by having really tall ‘career’ or ‘skill’ bars.
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Double down on who you love, what you enjoy, and what you’re good at; but also cast a thin, wide net to constantly make sure you're doubling down on the right things.
END NOTES:
Reading has an interesting effect on your graph(s). Reading adds short bars to your graph without you actually having to experience anything. I wouldn’t say reading is the same as experiencing something. But it lets you come close to things you otherwise wouldn’t experience. It adds phantom bars. They’re not quite as solid as the other bars, but they’re definitely there.
At some point in my life I want to live in the same place as all my tall bars (social bars).
Shoutout to J because this concept came from a conversation I had with him in a car in California.